Fear, jealous, insecurity, feeling out of place.
I hear these a lot from the metas in my life. I don’t seek them out for conversation, or expected friendship. I meet them when we go to the same events, but I don’t have a NEED to know them or become their friends. I’m not being mean, I just prefer that I have no involvement in my partners other relationships. Their other relationships really aren’t any of my business. However, if they want to get to know me I’m perfectly ok with that.
I do not vet my partners other people, I do not attempt to have any say in their other relationships. If I see or feel any problems I talk to my partner about what I see, what my concerns are. Then I give my trust, expecting them to be helpful with whatever issue I may have. Communication is the key.
My poly style isn’t for everyone, and I often make it sound easy. It’s not. I’m sure it also sounds like I’m perfectly confident, or have no insecurity, or never feel anything like jealousy. That’s not so. I have insecurity, and I’ve had jealousy. I just deal with it differently. When I need to, I talk it out with one of my partners. Some times I figure it out on my own then talk with my partner. Just depends on the situation. Sometimes I turn to my partners when I’m confused with how I’m feeling about someone in my life. They do the same with me, talk to me about things in their relationships that they need an ear for. I’ve found that many of my metas end up coming to me when they find themselves struggling with something in poly.
My favorite site to offer new to poly people for insight and information. I send mono couples there, and I send people who are poly but have one issue or another they are struggling with. The info on their site is great for any relationship style not just poly people’s. How to communicate with your partner(s) and possibly their people. “Their people” being their friends and family as much as potential metamores.
One of my people told me he has an official girl friend, a primary relationship. I was surprised, worried that he was telling me goodbye. He and I had been in some kind of relationship for a couple years. Never saw him as having a hierarchy, he wasn’t looking to create a hierarchy styled polyship. We love each other, he’s “in love” with his mono primary. He’s not saying good bye, and not expecting to need a mono period with his primary. I was told not to worry, that he’d communicate, share what is happening as it might pertain to me. He knew my concerns as we had both been burned by a relationship turning mono and cutting us out without any warning from our person. So yeah I was sad, hurt, dealing with emotions, fears and tears. Happy for him, but sad for the possibility of letting him go. I wasn’t ready to let him go, but I loved him enough that I told him as much and told him that if that’s what would be needed I would let him go. Jealousy? For me yes that’s a bit of jealousy, sad that I might be losing someone very important to me to another woman AGAIN. But I talked about it, he already knew where I was coming from what I’d be feeling. Listening and talking. Love, compersion, still together.
He still has a primary and she and I are friends. I didn’t seek her out for friendship. She contacted me, afraid of me, maybe a little jealous herself, intimidated by me. She was saying that she kinda feels like an outsider looking in, feeling that I’m important to her person. Saying that I was there first, that he loved me first, and wants to get to know me better. Curiosity, jealousy, insecurity. I like to think she didn’t feel so out of place after a few days of conversation with me. Mostly due to my lack of possessiveness, that I’m not doing or saying anything as a, “stay away from my man.” I’m telling her how much he loves her, needs her, how I appreciate the differences I see in him because of her. Yep, sent her to “more than two” to get another perspective on poly things, jealousy things, and relationship communication things. She’s learning, says, “how can I tell you I love you if I deny any part of you?” So she wants to know and understand how poly works, the differences he feels for his lovers, and the differences in those relationships. She isn’t close with his other people, but she had met and our spoken to a few of them, and it’s very nice to hear from her that I’m important to him. BIG SMILES, being loved is amazing