Sexuality, biological gender, gender identity
I’ve likely always been gay, bi, pan. But I grew up being brain washed. It wasn’t obvious at least not to me or anyone around me and my family. I grew up with “one man, one women” that’s the nuclear couple, the one and only marriage! I did not grow up in a sex positive home, sex was hush hush, something that happens and no one talks about it.
Then one day I blew that up in my family’s face. No I didn’t come out as gay, I came out as sexually abused by someone I lived with. Yep, I’m a statistic. Yes, I’m making light of my own hardship, that works for me. We all deal in our own ways.
And back to sexuality.
Sexuality is something that you FEEL within you. It’s not something you can touch, and you may not recognize what you are feeling. That’s me, I didn’t know what I was feeling. I had to figure it out later after events had happened. When I finally realised how attracted I was to other women, that became a mental focus. I don’t mean that I gave up on dating men. No that didn’t happen. I was in a long term committed relationship with a man, my best friend. What I mean is I started talking and finding acceptance of my interest and desire for women. I told my guy that if he hadn’t found me when he did I likely would not be with men at all. I’ve learned that isn’t true. Cause you can only be attracted to one or the other right? A lot of confusion around sexual identity, sexual desire and attraction.
I love men, I love women.
No that’s not true. I love people!
When I was first discovering how I am, what I am, my sexuality, I thought just acknowledging my attraction to woman was enough. That I didn’t NEED to pursue that part of my sexuality. I just needed to accept, and to have that part of my psyche accepted by my intimate partner.
I was wrong.
Finding acceptance, acknowledging more of ME was great, at first. Not living as myself, experiencing life as who I am, that wasn’t so great. I am an adult and still haven’t “come out” to my mom, my brothers. I know that understanding and acceptance won’t be found with that part of my biological family.
I struggle to be what I want in myself. Struggle to find people, male, female, third gender, unknown gender, PEOPLE who can see what I am, what I want, and still love me. Some times I feel there is something WRONG with me. Why else would I find it so difficult to find my people; people who feel some part of what I do, who want some of the same things and relationships I want. It’s not me who has something wrong inside, no that’s just what society has been telling me.
I know you are out there, I know there are others who don’t fit the mold society has tried so hard to make us fit into. You are not alone, you are not wrong, you are not broken, not damaged, not crazy. You are YOU, love who you are. Find me, but if you don’t that’s ok, I’ll keep looking for you.
This man makes me cry sometimes, he has a way with words that I just feel. No words have I found are prefect for the things that I feel. But I can feel this man’s words.
Spectrum ft. Cryaotic & Minx
Coming out can be a bad idea
You look like a girl
Don’t stay in school